| COOTER. |
[Monday
June 19th, 2006] |
TurnM3InSideOut: i really truly think it's going to work this time:D
Auto response from holly eatskids: dave and busters!
TurnM3InSideOut: comehomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Auto response from holly eatskids: dave and busters!
holly eatskids: we are home!
TurnM3InSideOut: OMFFMOFMOMGDSOGMSDGMDSFO PARTY.
holly eatskids: :D
holly eatskids: DAVID MELILLO!
TurnM3InSideOut: :D
TurnM3InSideOut: rolll model.
holly eatskids: tupac aint dead!
holly eatskids: tonight i'm gettin ripped wide open
TurnM3InSideOut: uh, today, isabella openly admitted to killing him.
TurnM3InSideOut: for his drugs.
TurnM3InSideOut: princess diaries is on.
TurnM3InSideOut: 2!
TurnM3InSideOut: nvm.
TurnM3InSideOut: just the first one.
holly eatskids: no
holly eatskids: sara hates you
TurnM3InSideOut: why.
holly eatskids: you smell like beans
TurnM3InSideOut: at least my cooter doesn't smell like feet:-)
holly eatskids: THATS
holly eatskids: BECASUE
holly eatskids: YOU KEPT
holly eatskids: PUTTIN YOUR FEET THERE
holly eatskids: I WASNT PUTTTING ANY BEANS ON YOU
TurnM3InSideOut: NO.
TurnM3InSideOut: I PUT MY TOE THERE ONE TIME.
holly eatskids: holly's cooter
holly eatskids: has a name
holly eatskids: it's MOLLY
holly eatskids: MINE NEEDS A NAME!
holly eatskids: TINKER BELL!
TurnM3InSideOut: no.
holly eatskids: then think of a name YOU ASS HAT
TurnM3InSideOut: Domokun
holly eatskids: OH MY GOD
holly eatskids: i love you
holly eatskids: we just googled that like 5 minutesa go
TurnM3InSideOut: :-) that's what i'm here for.
holly eatskids: i need a better name
holly eatskids: a normal one
holly eatskids: like...
holly eatskids: SHARON
TurnM3InSideOut: hows about...
holly eatskids: tiffany
TurnM3InSideOut: Hilary?
holly eatskids: carol?
TurnM3InSideOut: Ross Bagley.
holly eatskids: who is that?!!?
TurnM3InSideOut: hahahahah
TurnM3InSideOut: .
TurnM3InSideOut: i don't know.
holly eatskids: CAROL!
TurnM3InSideOut: i thought that was hollys?
holly eatskids: no
holly eatskids: hers is molly!
TurnM3InSideOut: holly eatskids: holly's cooter
holly eatskids: has a name
holly eatskids: it's MOLLY
TurnM3InSideOut: oh.
TurnM3InSideOut: stfu.
TurnM3InSideOut: i'm retarded.
holly eatskids: ahhhah
TurnM3InSideOut: katrina.
TurnM3InSideOut: RITA.
holly eatskids: um those are hurricanes
holly eatskids: not cooters.
TurnM3InSideOut: k i'm done.
TurnM3InSideOut: i know.
TurnM3InSideOut: fine.
holly eatskids: BRITTANY
holly eatskids: ERIC
holly eatskids: A
TurnM3InSideOut: no.
holly eatskids: KELSEY
TurnM3InSideOut: patricia.
holly eatskids: KERRY DONOLAN
TurnM3InSideOut: Hindi.
TurnM3InSideOut: Aadi.
TurnM3InSideOut: Abba
holly eatskids: NAJA
TurnM3InSideOut: ABAGAIL.
TurnM3InSideOut: justin timberlake.
holly eatskids: julia roberts
TurnM3InSideOut: Jazzy Phae.
holly eatskids: natalie portman
holly eatskids: FLAVOR FLAV
TurnM3InSideOut: Ice T.
TurnM3InSideOut: Lydia.
TurnM3InSideOut: Madeline!
holly eatskids: Carmen Sandiago.
TurnM3InSideOut: Victoria.
TurnM3InSideOut: Chris Rock.
holly eatskids: Hulk Hogan
holly eatskids: Kara Walters
TurnM3InSideOut: Holly Strawbridge.
holly eatskids: Ash Catchem
holly eatskids: Misty Boobies
TurnM3InSideOut: Danny Phenton.
holly eatskids: Biggie Smalls.
holly eatskids: 50 cent
TurnM3InSideOut: Tupac Shakur
holly eatskids: BIG JUICY
TurnM3InSideOut: Vanilla Ice
holly eatskids: Chocolate Ice
TurnM3InSideOut: Keak DA SNEAK
holly eatskids: Ansel Adams
TurnM3InSideOut: Kevin Griffin.
TurnM3InSideOut: Wednesday Adams
holly eatskids: Frankenstein
TurnM3InSideOut: Lucifer,
holly eatskids: Damien
TurnM3InSideOut: Carlton.
holly eatskids: THE MATTEL
TurnM3InSideOut: OMG.
holly eatskids: 2 points for holly.
TurnM3InSideOut: who
holly eatskids: HOLLY
holly eatskids: WINS 2 POINTS
TurnM3InSideOut: Virgil.
holly eatskids: THE MATTEL
TurnM3InSideOut: WTF IS THAT.
holly eatskids: JEFFREE STAR
holly eatskids: PAT SAJACK
TurnM3InSideOut: dave melillo.
TurnM3InSideOut: melillho.
TurnM3InSideOut: Brian Leetch.
TurnM3InSideOut: WHAT ARE WE DOING.
holly eatskids: NAMING SARA"S COOTER.
TurnM3InSideOut: Fabio.
TurnM3InSideOut: David Hasselhoff.
holly eatskids: Conor Oberst
holly eatskids: Felix the Pussy.
TurnM3InSideOut: Cootcher in the rye.
holly eatskids: One flew over the Cooters nest
TurnM3InSideOut: The Cooter Club.
holly eatskids: Sixteen Cooters
TurnM3InSideOut: Cooter Saints.
TurnM3InSideOut: Pretty in Cooter.
holly eatskids: Cooterman
TurnM3InSideOut: The Fresh Prince Of Cooter
holly eatskids: "COOTER: THE MUSICAL"
TurnM3InSideOut: Be Still My Cooter
holly eatskids: Cooter lane
holly eatskids: CooterJam
TurnM3InSideOut: And To Think That I Saw Cooter On Mulberry Street.
TurnM3InSideOut: Green Eggs and Cooter
holly eatskids: Are you My Cooter?
TurnM3InSideOut: WHERES MY COOTER
TurnM3InSideOut: DUDE, Wheres My Cooter*
holly eatskids: Cooter noodles soup.
holly eatskids: Its a wonderful Cooter.
TurnM3InSideOut: My Cooter By Run DMCooter
TurnM3InSideOut: Alice in Cooterland
holly eatskids: Beauty and the Cooter
holly eatskids: Cooterella
TurnM3InSideOut: Snow White and The Seven Cooters
holly eatskids: DOMOCOOTER
TurnM3InSideOut: are you fucking kidding, i was just trying to make one for that.
holly eatskids: CooterSpace.
holly eatskids: LiveCooter
TurnM3InSideOut: MyCooter
holly eatskids: Cooter Island
holly eatskids: Abigal.
TurnM3InSideOut: I SAID THAT YOU NIG.
holly eatskids: Blacky.
holly eatskids: Usher.
TurnM3InSideOut: Game
TurnM3InSideOut: Yung Kooter
holly eatskids: Hueng Wein CooterAH.
TurnM3InSideOut: Paul Jeng
holly eatskids: Cooterless in Seatlle.
holly eatskids: Marcus
TurnM3InSideOut: Coach Cooter
holly eatskids: Fergason.
TurnM3InSideOut: Get Cooter or Die Tryin
TurnM3InSideOut: Ashley.
TurnM3InSideOut: CLARISSA!
holly eatskids: My Friend Cooter.
TurnM3InSideOut: My Cousin Cooter
holly eatskids: Saved by the Cooter
holly eatskids: Cooter Farm
TurnM3InSideOut: Full Cooter
holly eatskids: Boy Meets Cooter.
TurnM3InSideOut: OMFG.
TurnM3InSideOut: i hate you.
TurnM3InSideOut: Cooter Undead
holly eatskids: Cooter Montana.
TurnM3InSideOut: Cooter Matters
holly eatskids: Cooter of the future
TurnM3InSideOut: Cooter Diaries
holly eatskids: Cooter of the year
TurnM3InSideOut: The American Cooter
holly eatskids: Justin Cooterlake
holly eatskids: Saturday Night Cooters
TurnM3InSideOut: Dane Cooter
holly eatskids: Sara Cootermas.
TurnM3InSideOut: Led Cooter
holly eatskids: The New York Cooters
TurnM3InSideOut: Shaquille O'Cooter.
holly eatskids: Cooter VanBeathoven.
TurnM3InSideOut: CooterBucks
holly eatskids: Regina.
TurnM3InSideOut: Marvin Gaye
holly eatskids: Bob Saget.
TurnM3InSideOut: Rollin' With Cooter
TurnM3InSideOut: Kevin Federline
holly eatskids: Paris Hilton.
TurnM3InSideOut: Will Smith
holly eatskids: Snakes on a Cooter.
TurnM3InSideOut: COOTER BANK
holly eatskids: Cooters on a plane.
TurnM3InSideOut: that's what they call chamillionare.
TurnM3InSideOut: Ben Folds Cooter
TurnM3InSideOut: Jones Cooter Co.
holly eatskids: ok we ran out of funny ones.
TurnM3InSideOut: yeah
TurnM3InSideOut: i'm bored now.
holly eatskids: ok its name is rachel.
TurnM3InSideOut: k
|
|
|
| wtf. |
[Sunday
June 18th, 2006] |
|
WTF @ SNAKES ON A PLANE?
|
|
|
| and this is what she sang.. |
[Saturday
June 17th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 empty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
girl problem - her space holiday |
] |
i just don't know anymore.
i'm a fucking nervous wreck.
i cried at work this morning.
i just went to the bathroom and
cried my fucking eyes out. i need
someone to talk to, but the one
i want to talk to doesnt care.
and it kills me.
its fucking eating me apart.
i cant take this.
i hardly slept last night.
and i'm sure he slept like a rock,
while i thrashed around fighting
nightmares.
when i did sleep, i had terrible
dreams, and in my sleep i ripped
apart my eyes.
my eyes are killing me.
i just scratched them, my left
eye lid is just a horrible bloody
mess.
i did it all unconciously.
i look like a fucking monster.
i hate it.
i hate this situation.
and i hate this feeling, this feeling
of such deep love for someone,
and having to know they just dont even
give a shit about what you have to say.
it hurts so bad its unbearable.
the pain is just everywhere.
in my head, in my face, in my neck,
and my back, and my arms and fingers,
in my legs and feet, my stomach is
constantly lurching. i feel like
im going to get sick all the time.
my heart is what hurts the worst.
i feel like someone just cut it open,
and spilled out everything. it hurts.
i feel like its everywhere. just floating
around inside my body. in a million
little pieces. it cant be fixed. its
just too many pieces to find and mend.
i want to fix this.
i want to fix him.
i want to fix myself.
i need to fix it.
i need to.
last night i thought about dying.
how many ways there are.
how much it would hurt.
how many it would effect.
i didnt want to die.
i just thought about it.
i dont want to die.
i have to much to fucking live for.
but sometimes, this pain i have
is just unbearable.
like a cancer eating me from the inside
out.
sometimes, i'm strong.
but most of the time, im a weak, fragile
girl. with a broken heart.
a broken heart.
three words that are impossible for me to
explain.
three words that hurt more than any death.
three words that kill me from the inside out.
"her she lies, died of a broken heart."
it hurts more than death.
it hurts more than anything.
it hurts like a mother fucking bitch.
and it doesnt go away.
it just makes the whole in your heart,
bigger, and bigger.
and that whole just needs to be filled.
its constantly hungry.
but can never be fed.
because that pain is just irreversible.
even if this does get fix, that pain,
and that hole is still there. eating
away at my heart. a constant reminder
of the pain i've suffered and endured.
its there, and i can feel it.
i can feel the hole.
i can feel its depth and its size.
its right in the middle.
between all the arteries and pumps
right set in between everything.
and its growing.
and with everything it grows.
the longing just becomes so much greater.
so much more over powering,
so much more painful.
i want to fill it.
i want to feed it.
make it leave, let my heart be full again,
like a little child.
i want to be happy.
but this fucking hole wont go away.
it sucks up everything.
it sucks up the happiness.
it sucks up the joy.
it sucks up my life.
taking it over with rage, and anger
and saddness.
look what this hole has caused me to become.
what have i become?
|
|
|
| sluts don't own me... |
[Thursday
June 15th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
phil on the phone. |
] |
I guess I've got apologizing to do..
But i want some apologies too.
1. I'm sorry we don't hang out as often.
I miss it.
2.I'm sorry if I've changed,
but don't we all?
3.I'm sorry if I get hostile about certain stuff,
I'm just protective.
4.I'm sorry you act this way,
it really makes me sad, because this isn't the real you.
5.I'm sorry I jump to conclusions,
I just always expect the worse.
6.I'm just flat out sorry, ok?
I wish you would apologize too though.
I'm sick of it, really. You used to
always be the one, pretty, perfect,
always got the guy. But not I have
this one chance, and I got the guy.
And now, you're left behind. See how
it feels? It sucks, I've been there,
I would know. But this time I won
the spotlight. That same spotlight you
always had. That spotlight I thought I'd
never get. And you know what? It feels
fucking good. I never intruded on your
spotlight, so why are you in mine?
I got this one chance, why do you have
to go and suck it up? This is for me,
not for you. I don't care if you're
saying that "we're just good friends.",
I dont like what you're doing. Us being
"friends" and all, don't you think that
you could lay off just a little?
please.
|
|
|
| haven't updated in forever, don't give a shit... |
[Wednesday
June 14th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing. |
] |
hi.
nothing is different.
except my bedroom.
i'll post pictures later.
I'm fucking sick of people
talking to me. I don't want
to hear this shit anymore.
I wish people would just leave
me alone.
So my mom's friend Sharon has
been staying here for like,
5 days. And i want wer the fuck
out of my house. i'm so sick and
tired of listening to her lectures.
Everyone keeps trying to convince
me to see a fucking shrink to talk
to about my parents. I dont want
to see any god damn shrinks. I
dont like the idea, it makes me
uncomfortable, honestly. I've
come to terms, my parents are
divorced, it sucks, and there isnt
anything i can do. I'll always have
a little fucking hole in my heart
because of it, but whatever, life
goes on. I dont need drugs and alcohol
to make it go away, because it wont
go away. Jesus fucking christ.
If people would just stop trying to
dig into me, maybe i would talk more.
but i keep being prodded and poked at
for more and more answers, the more people
do that, the less they are going to get.
ajdfhsdtfiusdyhsadfhkasdhjkghs
i want to move out, now.
|
|
|
| i want you to know, that im happy for you.. |
[Tuesday
May 16th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
You Oughtta Know - Alanis Morissette |
] |
I hate bitches.
I hate high school drama.
And I hate all this rumor shit.
People who start rumors
have nothing better to do with
their lives then ruin other's.
It's really pathetic and its a
huge pet peeve of mine. I cant stand
people who start shit over something
they don't even know. It just proves
what a pathetic worthless bitch some
people can actually be.
I will say it once.
I am NOT a LESBIAN.
NOT.
A.
L.E.S.B.I.A.N
just shows how insecure you are with
your sexuality, you little motherfucker. :D
fuck fuck fuck.
|
|
|
| this is me, and i will be just what i need to believe.. |
[Sunday
May 14th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
this is me - the rocket summer |
] |
mother's day is a rediculous
holiday invented to promote
family togetherness.
even thought, in my house,
there is no such thing :]
sundays are gross
mothers day adds
to that fact.
|
|
|
| two to one, static to the sound of you and i... |
[Sunday
May 7th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rescued - jack's mannequin |
] |
hi.
friday was the only good day of
this entire week. disney world
was fun, except for the bus
ride home.
basically, this week was crap.
i think carter is really really
mad at me. i hope he isnt. i really
hope so. i didnt mean to get mad
at him, everyone has a bad day. its
not his fault. i didnt mean to yell.
i just want him to say he isnt mad.
nothing is his fault. i was just being
a bitch. im sorry :[. sometimes
i just get upset. i didnt mean to hurt
your feelings anybody.
ugh. i feel like shit. honestly.
{i can tell hes raising hell to give to me.}
|
|
|
| i sat and watched burn away... |
[Saturday
May 6th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
over my head - the fray |
] |
Grace Cathedral hill, all wrapped in
bones of a setting sun,
all dust and stone and moribund.
I paid twenty-five cents to
light a little white candle
for New Year's Day.
I sat and watched it burn away
then turned and weaved through slow decay.
We were both a little hungry,
so we went to get a hotdog,
down the Hyde St. Pier.
The light was slight and dissapeared.
The air, it stunk of fish and beer.
We heard a tuba & trumpet play the National Anthem.
And the world may be long for you,
but he'll never belong to you.
But on a motorbike,
when all the city lights blind your eyes tonight,
are you feeling better now?
Are you feeling better now?
Are you feeling better now?
Some way to greet the year:
your eyes all bright and brimmed with tears.
The pilgrims, pills and tourists here all sing
"Fifty-three bucks to buy a brand new halo."
Sweet on a green-eyed girl, all fiery
Irish clip and curl, all brine and piss and vinegar.
I paid twenty-five cents to light a little white candle.
And the world maybe be long for you,
but he'll never belong to you.
But on a motorbike,
when all the city lights blind your eyes tonight,
are you feeling better now?
Are you feeling better now?
Are you feeling better now?
la la la, la la la, la la la.
ooh la la la la.
|
|
|
| longing just to hear your sweet words..and you simple melody.. |
[Monday
May 1st, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i'm a terrible person - rooney |
] |
hi.
today is horrible.
St. Thomas rejected me.
I feel like I recieve nothing from
life other than failure. while
others see me as a sucessor in life,
I only see myself failing at each
task throughout the day. if not failing,
not reaching the point I'd like to be
at. it seems like I'm not good enough
to my own self. and I don't know how
to fix it.
school today was fine, but then I came
home and found the news typed on a simple
piece of white stationary with a blue
emblem aligned precisely in the left hand
top corner. i spent a good 2 hours in
my room screaming and crying at the top
of my lungs because of this wrath of the
worst failure to occur in my life. the pain
from this new is unbearable. i try to forget
about it but it just creeps back into my mind
and brings out another river of tears. i tried
to scream all my emotions out, just endless
shrills of dissapointment and failure until
my voice has diminished into a pipsqueak of
yes and no answers because of the pain to
use my voicebox. my head pounds like and
train running over tracks traveling in circles
around the sun. my mind is just mentally
exahaused and unstable. i wish everyone would
just get that.
so far this year ive only seemed to experience
huge blows to my emotional being. i dont know
what i possibly could have done to earn these
crosses im carrying much like the messiah of
a religion which overpopulates our world today.
i feel like that messiah. confused and un-cared
for. honestly, im fed up with it. im fed up with
constant loss and dissapointment. and i want it
to change. now.
{im tired of melo-dramatic life.}
♥
|
|
|
| hes the kid with the chemicals.. |
[Monday
May 1st, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing. |
] |
hi.
i feel like sinking into the floor
and never being found again.
my soul only suffers.
|
|
|
| its just an emotion with the charge of an electricity storm... |
[Thursday
April 27th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 silly |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
la la lie - jack's mannequin |
] |
hi.
i havent updated in awhile.
a long while.
year books came today. ew.
lately life has been generally
ok. ive decided what i want to
do if i ever grow up. i want to
first be a model. so i can make
money. but then i want to be a
palientologist. to learn about
fossils and things like that.
i think that would be a lot of
fun.
carter and me had our 4 month
anniversary last weekend :].
we went to key west.
lately i've been having a lot of
friend issues/rivalries, sortof.
typical teenage things. honestly,
i want it to end. boys are boys.
nothing more, nothing less. some
girls have them, some don't.
but atleast those girls have
each other, who needs boys when
those girls have each other? i mean,
they'll get boys eventually, but,
no just right now.
ugh. i really really have to pee.
♥//baii
{love can't save you.}
|
|
|
| hear me... |
[Tuesday
March 28th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
goodbye waves and driveways - the rocket summer |
] |
i made this layout today :]]
im terribly proud of my
new-found photoshop skills.
i've had the stomach flu
since sunday night. its
quite unpleasant. i think
i'll go back to school
tomorrow. i hope i can.
being at home all day is
boring. i'm running out of
things to do.
bleh. i miss carter a lot.
thursday i get my permit,
finally.
friday is going to be a nice day :DD
but alas, its only tuesday.
♥
|
|
|
| nexium... |
[Wednesday
March 22nd, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
down and out - the academy is |
] |
i passed my drug and alcohol test.
all is well ^-^
♥
|
|
|
| one millions... |
[Tuesday
March 21st, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rescued - jack's mannequin |
] |
today.
tuesday.
i slugged out of bed at the
typical 5 am. took a shower
done everything. woke carter up,
today is our three month
anniversary. and fell back asleep.
my mom has a way of making people
want to find a thread on the hem
of their pants, make a nuse, and hang
themselves by overwhelming you with
unneeded information in the mornings.
today she was particularly good.
today started out with a symphony of
slamming car doors.
generally education was good.
nothing is really every horrible
there.
strange things keep occurring to me.
i feel this weird energy around me quite
often, and i have been for about the past
two or three weeks. i dont know what it
is, and i'm not sure if i like it or not.
i've regained my tarot reading.
i've done an astrological reading on
myself three times, and every house of
every month comes out with a similar message
or meaning. its starting to not so much
worry me, but make me wonder...
this month: i keep having reversed cups
appear, in lower suits.
generally meaning things like i'm remembering
my past to often, which is true, i've been
thinking about my past quite a bit.
reversed advice is that i need to concentrate
on my issues at hand.
april: swords are popular here too. ive had
the 3 of swords appear two out of three times.
i need to achive clarity somewhat in my whole
situation. if i dont, im understanding
that things are going to get worse.
may: again swords, but of higher suits,
every may card has been a reverse. its possible
i can have a temporary gain, but its happiness
wont last, only ive i intend to cause it to.
june: june has stayed a constant card of
royalty. not a card of the major arcana,
but minor royal cards, all suits. june is
a bad month. there is a high possibility of
problems with my mother. i've felt tension
with her for quite awhile, if something is
looming, i'm afraid of its outcome.
july: july has delt with financial issues
three time. and two out of three are financial
strife. it isnt indicated if it's my strife,
or if its someone that i am inflicting strife
upon, but somewhere, im positive to experience
a financial turmoil, either on my behalf, or
on the behalf of someone close.
august: august im going to use my power
against others, dealing with its place in
the house, its most likely dealing with school,
the other two have dealt with education
in the place of august, which makes much sense
because school begins in late august.
september: september has delt with failure, not indicated
if its upon my behalf, but also with collegues
and friends. i keep having a reading that i will
loose collegues and become closer with friends.
i think this has a lot to do with school. my
main aim for changing schools is friends, which
would cause me to become closer to friends, but
distant from newer friends, or collegues in this
matter, at cardinal gibbons.
october: each september ive read, ive had the
three of pentacles, not reversed. three of pentacles
deals with educational success and development, which
leads me to believe that i will get into saint thomas,
because also, three of pentacles deals with making the
most of ones talents, where i believe that i'll be
able to express my self easier in my talents at saint
thomas.
november: my creativity seems to temporarily expand
in this reading. but just temporarily, this is an
ever-changing house, so im not to sure what to think of it.
december: ive had a constant reverse cup here also.
usually showing me i'm positive in this month, and at
a constant place in my life, but there is room for
improvement.
january: again i've had a constant royalty card, but
here it is reversed. it seems like all royalty
cards layed out are female. which is giving me a feeling
issue will arise with close-associated females.
but in this month {of next year} i'm going to be
mentally unstable, and have lost touch with a
close woman in my life who has shown to be greedy
and controlling. i dont think i have encountered her
yet, but i might have, and she might be fake as far
as i see now.
february: in this card, it seems like a continuation
of january, but i, showing cowardice towards the
woman who is controlling over me. i might feel
fear of inspiration or creativity in each reading ive
done here.
ugh. im a freak.
i have a headache.
♥
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| swallow.. |
[Monday
March 20th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
down - something corporate |
] |
lately my mind has been spinning non stop.
as if it where a ballerina loosing control.
its been spinning with most every thought
you can ever imagine. thoughts about life,
love, religion, family, gods, asthetics.
most everything.
i'm becoming sick of it.
i've developed some kind of mental sickness
throughout everything that has been happening.
its not only affecting my brain, but also
my body. i wake up in the middle of the nights
almost every hour. my stomach is in constant
knots. my head aches continuously. ive been
swallowing these headaches and stomach knots
down hard with every kind of pill imaginable.
along with self-love, love of others, and
public decencsey. small things cause me to become
irate. upset. emotional. but also, i've come to
terms in my life, discovering that i truely havent
lived. i havent been through anything like some
people have. multitudes of people have lived through
parental seperation. its obviously hard, but
overcommable. other people have had to deal
with so many more terrible things, that i've decided,
i've honestly lived through nothing compared to
others. i've cried in my sleep over the one i love
so much. literally cried and screamed out in my
nightmares. i've prayed to whatever god there is,
may he be Lord, Buddha, Muhhamed, whoever. I've just prayed.
I just want his pain and suffering to end. when he hurts,
it hurts me. my heart feels like its been weighed down
with thousands of tons of hurt. i feel like my lightest
footsteps sound like thunderous booming feets of
giants everytime i walk, from all the weight im
carrying around. i just want to make things right,
but knowing i can't because it will make things worse,
is almost impossible to cope with. causing the rushes
and tides of angst and confusing spinning around my
feeble mind. hopefully days will become lighter, easier,
brighter then they have been. but for the longest time,
they've been dark, dank, days, much as if a raincloud
loomed around me, never letting me escape it's darkness.
hopefully something, or someone will be able to shed some
light on my, no, our situation.
because i love him to death.
♥
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| basically... |
[Monday
March 20th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
embers and envelopes - mae |
] |
i am sick and tired of my
mundane previous journal. i've
decided to start over. in a
bigger sense, i think this one
will be a bit more poetic, and
much more interesting.
^-^
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